Once in a while, I’ll go through a severe bout of joylessness. Anhedonia. It’s hard for me to rationalize this behavior when I’ve come such a long way as far as my recovery goes in all of this, especially because I have made opportunities for myself, engaged in new experiences and the like.
I even wonder now if that’s what it is – that I’ve experienced too much, too soon. Is everything that predictable and mundane now that I can relate to every experience?
I often find that I sink deeper into this anhedonic depression after a particularly good period in my life. It almost feels too good to be real. Right now, I’m successful at work, people look up to me. People seek me out. I have that sense of purpose. I am successful in a part of my life.
Right now, I feel like I shouldn’t exist. I feel like a wasted, ungrateful resource.
I understand how this stuff works. I just know its easier to not be a part of it.